Disorganization Station – Ritalin Donations Welcome

Mea culpa

Posted in Uncategorized by Hams on 2008/02/29

Everyone wants to do it – hop into Doc Brown’s plutonium-powered De Lorean time machine and (pardon the term, please) bitch slap a naive, younger version of self circa ____ (insert event/time or even a fashion statement you regret).

If you kept a journal, bonus points.  Read it to yourself mockingly after you’ve successfully completed time travel to perform aforementioned transaction.  Repeat transaction.

A journal was found from my early years in South Dakota.  Nineteen and in what was my first ‘big city’ (you jest, but it was a far cry from Altus, OK). 

I hadn’t found a church.  Truth be told, not much effort was put into finding another church.  I went to one held some doctrinal errors differences from what is the truth I had been taught.  After one visit, I turned back to the world and didn’t look back.

The parties were plentiful….

October 26, 1997 “We started drinking at 5pm.  They [two guys named Tom who could apparently purchase beer] asked us if we wanted to drink some beer & they ran off and bought some.  We played like drinking games for awhile then sooner or later we were DRUNK – it was a blast.  …I was so drunk I could hardly spell my name….  So he [one of the Toms] was talking at me & I was not even paying attention. I was on the verge of puking.  I got up & went outside & he followed me & kept asking if I wanted a hug.  I was like no, I want to hurl.  He says so after you hurl do you want a hug?  I was like no, then I’ll hurl again….  So I finally passed out on the couch.”

Appalling relationships with men….

November 30, 1997 “Lots has happened.  I’m seeing this great guy named Mike.  He’s a bartender at Cheers [a hotel bar], but he’s nice.  …He’s on probation right now for something – I can’t remember – something to do with a parking ticket and a bounced check.  Hopefully the parole officer will let him go early for good behavior [so he can join the Army].  He has been hurt quite a few times.  Kim [ex fiancee] was a psycho.  She threatened to call his P.O. [did I seriously write P.O.?!  oh yes….].  He’s been holding back in our relationship.”  [Note:  we had been dating three weeks.]

On love….

May 20, 1998 “Corey came to my work looking for my friend, Sara.  She was out of town so he asked me if I wanted to go for a ride on his motorcycle.  He’s very attractive [which, he really was] 5’11”, sandy brown hair, green eyes, and a body to die for [true again].  Sometimes I feel like I am using him as a warm body, but sometimes I am just smitten with him.  I really feel like I could love him.  We really don’t have much in common, but it really doesn’t matter.  We always have something to talk about, mostly his boss, Tom.”

June 30, 1998 “I always thought that when you’re in love it was like this euphoric state of consciousness [philosophical, much?] where everything is beautiful and the rose colored glasses are on but it’s not like that at all.  It’s better.  The ultimate utopia for me is contentment which is primarily what I feel.  …the contentment he gives me when I look into his big green eyes.” [Contentment =  lust….  hmmm.]

On my belief in God….

Undated “I know Jesus is coming to get us soon, however, I can’t bring myself to lead the life I should.  I keep having dreams.  This fear consumes me.  This very morning I had a dream…I was on the couch watching TV andt his loud sound happened and I kept saying ‘Jesus, please, not now. Wait.’  I want to have my Christian self back, but at the same time I’m having a blast.  I feel like [the apostle] Paul. I think it’s in John [actually it’s Romans] where he says something to the effect of ‘I do what I don’t want and I don’t do what I should’.  I know God will forgive me.  He knows me down to my selfish, rotten, human core and He loves me anyways.  …There are so many to tell yet I wallow in pride, self-pity, lust, alcohol, and selfishness. …I just want my family and friends to know, but I am in no place to tell.  I am not what I once was.”

It’s probably about that time I shut down the Holy Spirit and sank more into my partying, quit school for a period of time, and continued in the abominations which would be loosely construed as dating relationships.

Admittedly, some of my entries were comical.  Most were just sad, evidence of a quest for, well, contentment (ha!).  Thank God I started making better decisions.

No, seriously, thank God.


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